Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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