After last night, I could never be a politician.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
