i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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