She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize