Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
