Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
