He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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