Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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