okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
