I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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