Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
