i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
