he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I want a musical about memes.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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