I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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