my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
