dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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