you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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