I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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