matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
