Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
this is an emotional support booty call
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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