you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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