so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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