he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
