I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize