I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
