Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
