I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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