True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
There's even glitter on my cock...
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