I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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