I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
