Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
