I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
