i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
my liver is dry heaving
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
