i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dick very happy bro
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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