We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ladies don't puke and tell
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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