You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
