Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
