There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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