oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
