ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
