you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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