Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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