my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize