You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
