I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
COCAINE IS GR8
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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