Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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