I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Boobs speak an international language.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
