my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
