ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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