This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
