I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
