I am in a vortex of obligation.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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