I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I AM VODKA MAN
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
