Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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